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July 13, 2011

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. (John 9:1)

The why does not bother me. Why is Reed struggling? Why am I the one with the baby who is delayed? Perhaps I’ve seen enough bad happen to both good and evil people, that I know I’m not being picked on. Perhaps it’s just God’s grace that the why question doesn’t keep me up at night.

Instead, I wrestle with “how?” How do I live in this daily struggle between frustration and compassion, determination and exhaustion, hope and fear? I wake up in the morning wanting to be the best momma, caretaker and exercise therapist any child could ever know. But then the baby cries from his crib at 6:30, and I do not want to get out of bed. I heave a sigh at the inconvenience. I can’t get my tired eyes to open fully, and I awaken to unexpectancy, knowing the struggles are still as heavy today as they were yesterday. And the day before that.

Something nags at me to tie this all up, close the gap, figure it all out. But the questions don’t relent and answers aren’t apparent. Everything inside begs to understand and move on. But I can’t because we’re still walking through this story.

And I can’t even bring closure to these thoughts I’ve hammered out, and I’ll resist the urge to create closure where none is offered. Though everything in me wants to.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Sarah Harlow permalink
    July 13, 2011 9:08 pm

    Most of us good Mamas go to bed exhausted but with great to-do lists and plans for the next day and NONE of us EVER LIKE that 6:30 or earlier wake-up call! So don’t fault yourself on that. I think babies want us to be more in the moment than we are used to being. They want us to respond now, hold them now, love them now, help them now. They don’t know what will be in 2 days or 20 years and they wish we would just pay attention to giving them all the love we can now. You and Ben are on a step by step journey. And you are the absolute best parents Reed could ask for. You are working hard to help him and love him. That’s more than some babies ever have. Sometimes you will take little tiny steps, sometimes there will be big leaps into darkness but know that all parents feel that trepidation about what their child will become and whether or not this will all go according to OUR plan. Tricky bit is, we aren’t The One that makes The Plan for this little one.
    2 Tim 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
    Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

    You will have moments where you are SUPER and moments you wish you were better but that’s being a parent. Reed couldn’t have a better mom or dad to grow up with!

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