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A Confession

July 20, 2011

I didn’t always want to be a mom. While my junior high girl friends babysat for money, I cleaned my dad’s office for ice-cream. My college boyfriend and I almost broke up once because I wasn’t sure I even wanted to have kids. The idea of marriage without kids even briefly entered early marital conversations.

So I get our culture’s tendency to tolerate, at best, children. I’ve stood on the other side and wondered, why bother? There’s a whole lot of hassle and absolutely no guarantees. And I’ve watched impatiently in public as frazzled (or sometimes oblivious) parents inadequately deal with their annoying kids.

But, now, I know a different story. Actually, three different stories.

From my youngest days I learned about how God gave us Jesus first as a baby. And as I grew, I wondered – a baby, really? With all the chaos and evil, really, a baby? That’ll take too long and the problems won’t wait. But it was that baby, in flesh, yet from God, that grew to be a man of 33. And it was that man’s story, started as an infant from the tiny no-name town of Nazareth, that changed and changes the world.

Then, God birthed Reed into our family, and I was scared to death. And we’ve journeyed far from how all the textbooks say it’ll happen. And here, now, in a way so personal it burns, I’ve learned to let go of my fears, my expectations, and myself. This boy has carved out a space in my soul, in my heart that defies logic. And struggle to struggle, prayer to prayer, I’m changed, I’m strengthened, I’m made new.

And now just this past week, a friend, the kind who belongs at the table when my family gets together, became a mother for the first time. And I burst and ache with joy as I remember my own beginning just ten months ago. We smile for the miracle that came slowly but perfectly. And I realize slowly and then sharply that twelve days isn’t long enough to take it all in. And these fleeting moments can’t return, and this new baby’s coming has made me anticipate my leaving. And the leaving produces grace-filled thanksgiving for the richness of this friendship.

So now I get it. We’re not just in it for “the cute little clothes and photo opportunities” (R Jankovic here). With much striving and persistent faith from us, God uses children to breathe life and strength and value and forgiveness into us.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Lori Mooney permalink
    July 20, 2011 2:32 pm

    Absolutely beautiful Allison!!

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