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Owning It

April 17, 2012

Eight months ago I officially earned the title Special Needs Mom. For eight months I’ve been scared to even say the phrase “support group” much less consider that I might actually need one. I’ve talked to one counselor one time. Even our closest friends do not know the name of his diagnosis. Driven and haunted by fear. All my confidence gone. And not just confidence about mothering; confidence in what I know to be true about me, what I’ve achieved, what my strengths are. I’ve pretended every day — except the few where we’ve had to meet with specialists — that my life is normal, my child is normal, and nothing has changed.

But the truth? Everything has changed. And nothing is normal.

And today I’m taking ownership of what life now demands of me. I’ve told fear to take a hike, and asked her to kindly send confidence back my way. I will not hide in fear and uncertainty. I don’t know what the future looks like, but right now it looks like an adorable strawberry blonde-haired boy with amazing blue eyes that loves to laugh. And that looks like a pretty good deal to me right now.

What we’ve been given is beautiful. Just this month Reed became mobile, and I catch myself forgetting how monumental that is. Is he mobile like other kids his age? No. But every time I see him scoot across the floor, grab that toy he’s been eyeing, and triumphantly turn toward me smiling that scrunched-up-nose smile, I’m reminded not to forget. Just one month ago he couldn’t do that. For 18 months he was stationary, could get nowhere. Every inch he gained was someone else’s effort. But now he has the gift of freedom!

Twelve years ago God captured my heart, and I never could have pictured how much I would need that right now. Being a special needs mom is difficult work, and you have to draw your strength from somewhere.   Today, I’m more convinced than ever, that I gain that strength only from God’s might, His power at work within me. I don’t have it in me to do it on my own.

So right here, right now I’m declaring, as boldly as I can, that I am unafraid, I am very certain, and I love the family God has given me. Our journey may look different but by and far it will be beautiful.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Danielle Brodhecker permalink
    April 17, 2012 11:47 pm

    I have tears in my eyes reading this post. May God continue to bless you in the small milestones and continue to encourage through the painful moments. You are not alone on any front.

  2. April 18, 2012 9:07 am

    I love the way you describe the process any mom of a special needs child goes through. It is a process of accepting what is and realizing new dreams of what will be. Just this week I saw this in a new light in my own life and mothering. I would love to share with you a few of those thoughts some time 🙂

    • April 18, 2012 9:30 am

      Mandy, bring the insights, please 🙂 I need them! Can’t wait to hear what you’ve been learning!!

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