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May 2, 2012

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.     ~CS Lewis

I’m learning to peel back layers and handle this new adventure with honesty. So in the spirit of honesty, I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. Uncomfortable when strangers ask how old Reed is and expect him to speak to them. Uncomfortable when dropping him off in the kids place at the gym or church and feel the need to explain that at 20 months he’s not walking. Uncomfortable when people with genuine interest ask questions that I’m not ready to answer. Uncomfortable when I think about the future I had mapped out in my heart that now seems improbable.

Squeamish and disappointed, I manage a sideways glance at this discomfort. Am I so blindly enamored with ease that I can’t handle our challenge? Am I so dependent on status quo that I’m willing to let disappointment and sadness own my heart?

Comfort persuaded me that I could manipulate life. I’m free to choose when and how and who. I dictate yes and no and never. As long as something or someone fits nicely into my mold of comfortable and easy and expected, I approve. But giving birth to and mothering an atypical little boy does not give way to comfort and ease.

With life demanding her reins back and this facade of a neatly packaged life crumbling, what happens?

Good things and necessary things. Good things like our lives intersecting with others in unexpected and profound measures. Necessary things like the courage to stand up under pressure because if I don’t, no one will for our boy. A good and necessary thing like I’m weaker than I thought but held up by One who is stronger than my wildest imaginings.

Yet with these good and necessary things I find discomfort still here, but also growing in my heart, a sprouting hope that comfort is not the measure of a meaningful life.

Comfort and prosperity have never enriched the world as much as adversity has.    ~Billy Graham

2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 2, 2012 6:41 pm

    thank you for sharing your heart and working out your grief as you walk through this journey with Ben and your precious Reed. My heart is encouraged, and encouraged to pray for you Byxbe’s. we love you guys!

  2. May 2, 2012 9:39 pm

    Rachel, thank you for encouraging us through prayer. Wish we lived closer…

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