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A Year Ago

July 6, 2012

July 1, 2011. One year ago I opened this space. It’s difficult to articulate the difference between the then-me and the now-me. Somewhere, somehow, that girl mingled and ebbed into this woman, familiar but unalterably changed. Still changing.

Then, a new mother, cautiously hopeful that our concerns for Reed would be short-lived. Then a novice who secretly thought things always turn out fair. Then a girl more scared and unsure than she’d ever been.

My hands trace the texture of this re-formed soul, and my fingers lightly trail over the tender, roughening spots. I feel the gritty texture worn by worry and tears and anger and questions. I gingerly press the healing places, tender still as acceptance and confidence and faith become interwoven together as new sinew. I cusp the full form and weight of my soul, as breath comes deeply and steadily, a reminder that life is still moving.

A year where I have been hard-pressed, perplexed, pressed down, distressed, aggrieved in my innermost places.

But.

I have not been crushed, utterly despairing, forsaken or destroyed.

Though I didn’t choose our circumstances, nor was I asked if I thought I could walk this path, or if I wanted to be set apart as a family different from so many, I have learned a simple truth. Courage will always be waiting for those who are willing to say yes.

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